It’s been a week, seven short days. It was nine o’clock in the morning when I got the call. It still seems like a dream, still seems like I might wake up and I can go back to when Stacie was happy, thrilled to be carrying her fourth child, go back to being excited about expecting three new grandbabies in a months time. We were hoping for three girls because we are heavy on boys. We have eleven grandsons and six granddaughters. We day-dreamed about them being best friends, playing dress up together, having tea parties, spending the night with one another, telling each other secrets when they were teenagers, being bridesmaids in each others weddings. We’ve watched the other seventeen be each others best friends and knew it would be the same with these three. But something went wrong and Cara was taken from us early and now there will always be a missing link.
I have been shocked by the gut-wrenching sorrow this has brought us all. I miss that baby girl with all my heart and in addition, Mark and I hurt so bad for her mamma, thinking about the pain she is going through is like a knife in our hearts. My big, strong husband is wondering what on earth is wrong with him because he cries at the drop of a hat. I assured him there is nothing wrong with him, he is just a Dad. Sleep doesn’t come easy and when it finally does, it doesn’t last long.
I don’t believe that God MADE this happen, I know we live in a broken world and – things – just – happen. But, one evening I was sitting outside by myself, crying for what we’d lost and for the pain that my daughter was going through. My heart cried out to God – “Why? Why did you let this happen? I know you could have stopped it!” I immediately heard a voice from my heart ask me, “Are you going to trust me?” It stopped me in my tracks and I finally answered, “Yes, Jesus, I will trust you.”
And already, after just seven days, I am in awe of the way God is working in each and every one of us. I cannot believe the grace He has given Stacie to deal with this. Her strength has amazed us all. My fifteen year old granddaughter Lexi told her Mom “Cara never got to live, so I want to let her live through me and I want to be the best person I can possibly be.” That thrilled me when I heard that because that is exactly how I feel! I want to be the best person I can be. I want to be the person that Jesus wants me to be, not only for Jesus, but also because I want Cara to be proud of her Grandma. Then I found out that Stacie’s sisters all felt the same way. That sweet baby who was only on this earth for 21 short weeks, has changed us, has affected this family in a very positive way. I don’t want that to ever end.
Lord, help us keep these thoughts forever. As time and your precious grace makes the pain lessen, I pray we don’t go back to life the way it was before Cara. I don’t want to waste her sweet life by not letting her change me for the better. I don’t want to waste the trust you asked me to have, waste the lessons You are going to teach me. I pray that Cara stays with us forever, in our hearts, in our minds, in our attitudes, and in the way we live our lives. Amen